//Looking back on some of my old posts, I am thinking to myself that they are “the written version of the ‘flow’ haircut I had in middle school.” The posts, like the haircut, made sense at the time. In retrospect, everything about that time period, especially the thoughts pouring out of my head were just too ridiculous not to question what I was thinking. I don’t even know if I identify as the CaucasianAsian anymore.
Aanywayz i try not to think too much about stuff that doesn’t really matter in my life and I’m currently failing
I am currently just bored out my mind sitting in my living room. I don’t want to sleep but its too late to really do anything else. As of late the only thing that brings me clarity is water. Like swimming or surfing or taking a shower at the end of the day.
I have always said the best super power would be teleporting, and to a certain extent I still agree with that. joweverg; if i could do anything right now in terms of ability it would be the ability to accurately articulate the ideas in my head and emotions i feel in the form of art. i don’t even care if people would ever see or appreciate my art i just want to know i am still in connection with and understand myself
I want to try something new videography, carpentry, music production, flower arrangement, fuckin basket weaving idec I just haven’t been connecting with photography lately and its been my go to medium of self understanding for so long. I used to feel that having a good eye for photography meant understanding who you were as a person, what you valued, and what you saw beauty in, and my mind is kind of blank
I am not going to stop taking photos but I feel like I need to find myself before I can make my best work
//Maybe in order to find what I am looking for, I need to stop thinking that rules exist when it comes to self expression. I suppose I do not need to be 100% authentic to myself in everything I make. If I create enough “stuff,” and each piece has a little piece of me within it, then doesn’t that mean something?
as i type this i realize that i don’t even know if i have an answer to the rhetorical question previously posed and i was hoping that i would ask myself a question which i knew the answer too and i would find something that meant something else
When encountering writer’s block, what is best… to push on through it and be… less(is that the word I want?) , or to take a calculated step back and reassess the creative goals?
My whole life, I have either been unhappy and knowing of exactly what I need to be happy, or happy and knowing of what to avoid in order to remain happy. Now, I am just neutral with very little understanding of anything.
I just want to understand myself again.
I just revised my first section of text in this post and realized that all of my ideas from the past, the bowl cut, the post about pasta, feeling as though I understood myself, it all existed because it felt right at the time. They were all ridiculous. What I am thinking now is ridiculous. This post is ridiculous.
alright I’m going to cut the existential bullshit. I think I am just going to maybe like stop putting pressure on myself to know everything I could. at the moment.
rules are exhausting