I used to feel broken and full but now I feel stable and empty.
very simply put, I just realized how much I have changed over the past few years and honestly I don’t like who I am as much as the old me. I am in the “best” position I have ever been, good health, great mental health, low stress, and I would always like to improve but I am confident with my character. I have improved in many ways but certain things I used to love about my life are out of reach both literally and metaphorically.
I am sitting, realizing that I have fallen out of touch with a positive part of me that used to exist when I considered myself a broken individual. That positive aspect amidst pain became my personal understanding of my identity. That’s gone and I don’t know who I am As I sit and write this, my mind is being flooded with all of the highs and lows of the past 6 years and I’m sad thinking of how much of my previous life seems to not be a part of my current life. At times, and if I could, I think I would relive my darkest days because they were constantly mixed into the happiest moments of my life.
I know that tomorrow I will wake up unable to connect to the mood I am in now, a mood I have been wanting to feel for such a long time now. In justification to myself of why I am writing this, I guess I hope that if I see this tomorrow I will remember the fact that who I was, can still be who I am, and that I guess what lies ahead is trying to mold together the past and present.